Irritants

a.k.a. things that cause me unrest

irritant  n : something that causes irritation and annoyance

This Page is sure to grow to immense proportions.  It is here where I will document all the things in life that tend to irritate or bug me.  Do I care if I offend or upset someone because of what's in here?  NO.  Why?  Because it's my opinion.  If you don't like it, write your own web site.  Go cry elsewhere.  This is my opinion and you're welcome to it.

• IPODS are pretty cool things, but they are quickly becoming a huge annoyance.  I think they're a great piece of technology, and have the ability to store a huge amount of music in such a tiny space.  However I think they're also one of the biggest annoyances that technology has gifted us with.  When used at the right time and place they're fantastic.  At work when you don't have to interface (listen) to someone, running errands, working out, doing some type of work.  The uses that annoy me are things like at the dinner table, in a restaurant, when doing homework, or at work in customer-facing positions.  Some people wear them almost as a status symbol.  Why?  It not that big a deal that you have one!
   
• American Idol has foisted more bad music on the American Public than "Star Search" and "The Gong Show" combined.  Not a single singer who's come out of that show has earned what they have, they've been given their contracts.  The only reason I have any Kelly Clarkson music at all is because of DJing.  If it weren't for that, she and the rest of the Idol winners would never see the light of day in my music collection.
  Kelly Clarkson has very, VERY poor diction and there are songs of hers I've listened to dozens of times and still can't understand.
  Clay Aiken has already become a caricature of himself.
  Rueben - where'd he go?
  And Fantasia?  It like Where's Waldo?
  Why, oh WHY do so many Americans waste so much time on such a shitty show with such a shitty premise that delivers such shitty goods?
   
• Why Is It that these fucking, unrealistic Reality Shows like "The Biggest Loser" and "Joe Billionaire" and such similar tripe get a full season on the asinine networks without a second thought, but good, quality shows like Wonderfalls, Birds of Prey, L.A. Dragnet, and Miss Match get cancelled?  They weren't given a decent chance, but *BOOM* they're gone.  Reality Shows are the bane of television everywhere, yet they get full-season commitments, whereas shows like Veronica Mars  and Star Trek: Enterprise have to EARN their next season?  Am I the only one who sees the injustice in this?  I HATE the fucking networks - which is why I tend to watch cable-only shows.
   
• AOL IS NOT THE FRICKIN' INTERNET! - In the minds of many feeble-minded individuals who buy the bullshit, America Online is the Internet.  This irks the living shit out of me to no end.  Recently they've had 2 commercials that illustrate this point completely.  In one there are millions of people waiting outside their office building with suggestions about making a better Internet.  In another one a lady busts into a conference room, gets up on the table and starts spewing out things she wants changed like she was Linda Blair.  Both of these commercials center around one idea - about AOL making the Internet better.  LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, allow me to set you straight, and I reiterate, AOL IS NOT THE INTERNET.  They are a way to get to the Internet.  They are an Internet Service Provider.  Because they have cute little chat icons and attach a "this email has been checked for spam" line on the bottom of every email does not make them the end-all/be-all Internet Gods.  AOL is Remedial Internet 101.  It is Internet For Those Who Settle.  AOL cannot give you a better Internet, it can only give you a better Internet experience (he says reluctantly).  People, spend a little money and get away from Internet Portals, ok!  OH...and the loyalty of these mindless drones who use AOL seem to have forgotten the foibles they endured a few years ago...
   
• GOD I HATE CENSORSHIP! - There is a group out there that is trying to get Nip/Tuck off the air.  They are asses.  Visit this website first, which talks about their crusade against The Shield  and Nip/Tuck then visit these idiotic fuckers on their whiney, cry-baby website to see what people with self-inflated egos are trying to control you.  What it all boils down to (and you can see me mention this many times in other places on this website) is the parents need to fucking forget about controlling television and control WHAT YOUR KIDS ARE DOING!  Jesus Christ, what does it take to get parents to own up to their own lack of control?
   
• George Lucas is on the verge of being an ass! - Yes, I said it.  In fact, almost enough to deserve an entry on my ASSES page.  Why?  Because he won't leave well-enough alone and has defaced the two best Star Wars movies in existence.  With The Empire Strikes Back he has, at first glance, changed 4 things with the DVD release of this film.  (Mind you, I will find more....I've seen the movie hundreds of times).  To wit:
  1) Replaced the original Emperor's face with Ian McDermaid's face. (He's the one who played the Emperor in Jedi and plays Palpatine (soon to be Emperor again) in the last two very-lame installments of the Star Wars series)
  2) Changed the dialog that previously-mentioned Emperor said in the same scene.
  3) Re-recorded Boba Fett's voice.
  4) In the scene where Han is put into the carbon freeze, there was a brief shot where he had his black vest on, whereas in the rest of the scene it was just a white shirt.  That, too, has been modified in this DVD release.
  Mr. Lucas may chalk it up to continuity, but the ever-tinkering Lucas needs to leave well enough alone.  The original movies were the best.  Any changes he's made to them since then, as I heard someone else say, painted a moustache on the Mona Lisa.
  But Wait - There's More - Return of the Jedi had one very bad, very rude, very pathetic modification made to it that makes my ass clench up.  While I haven't watched Jedi yet on DVD, I did read somewhere that this was done so I had to get it out and look to see if it was true.  GOD DAMMIT, it is!  In the last scene, after they've finally taken care of the Empire and the whole fuckin' galaxy is having a big parade/orgy/party.  We cut away to the shot where Anakin appears next to Yoda and Obi-Wan on Endor.  In the original (read that best) version of this film it was the actor who portrayed the face of Darth Vader as he died on Death Star 2 (Sebastian Shaw.) who appeared.  But wait!  They've made a movie with a young Anakin (the pathetic actor Hayden Christensen, who apparently walked away from acting school with only one expression on his face, that being scorn, and one emotion, that being pouting) so why not make THAT the face that appears at the end of Jedi?  There is so much  wrong with this that I think His Royal Star Wars Highness Lucas did it just to piss off the true, purist fans of the Star Wars universe.
  - First of all, it's disrespectful to the actor who appeared in the role in the first place.  OH WAIT - he's dead now, so it doesn't matter, right Mr. Fancy Pants Lucas?
  - Both Yoda and Obi-Wan appeared as they were when they died.  Why does Anakin get to be YOUNGER?  Won't that make him a minor in Jedi Heaven?
  - The argument that he came back as he was when Anakin died and became Vader doesn't hold any water, either, because when both Yoda and Obi-Wan died they held their physical attributes when they appeared in the ethereal.  Vader was "more machine than man, twisted and evil" when he died.  When you die and go to the great Light Saber Cantina in the sky are you given your original appearance back?
  I'm sure that when I do watch Jedi on DVD I'll find more ways that it, too, has been fucked with.  If I do, look for an addition to this entry.
   
• ENOUGH WITH THE GOD DAMNED COLORED RIBBONS! - Am I the only one who is noticing that these things are getting out of hand?  We have so many that they're starting to use multiple colors!  Purple for cancer, Yellow for the soldiers, Red/White/Blue for the soldiers (wait, why do they get 2?), Pink, Red...etc.  ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!  Is this the best we can do to show support for any given cause, a ribbon?  Instead of coming up with a different cause to apply yet another colored ribbon to, why not spend the time and money to fix/cure the cause and you wouldn't need the ribbon in the first place?  Word to the wise:  If you have a vehicle that has more than one ribbon on the back, you are an ass.
   
• The Gay Marriage Thing - Has a lot of people really bent out of shape.  The reason why?  Old-fashioned, conservative, closed-minded, apathetic People Who Make Decisions.  If two same-sex people want to get married why the hell can't they?  Don't give me this religious "because it's in the bible" bullshit because the bible isn't an all-encompassing document that should dictate how things should be thousands of years after it was written.  Why on Earth should people be denied happiness together just because they're the same sex?  It's just this kind of inside-the-box thinking that keeps this country from moving forward.  To paraphrase from one of my favorite shows, we can put a bomb through a chimney half way around the world but we can't let same-sex couples have dental coverage?  SUCH BULLSHIT!  I just don't see why gay people should be denied the rights that straight people have just because they're not "normal".  Homosexuality is not a disease, it's a choice and a lifestyle. People have the right to make their own choices and live their lives the way they want to, even if that's with someone of the same sex.  The US government (a body that believes they need to have their hands in EVERYTHING) needs to get out of it and leave it alone.  I voted for George W. Bush and have stood by and supported his actions all along, but at this point we divest.  A Constitutional ban on gay marriages is NOT a good idea and I hope it never comes to pass.  JUST SHUT UP AND LET PEOPLE BE HAPPY.  Is it really that hard?  This is absolutely no different than what was happening 30 or so years ago with blacks and whites.  Get over it and move on.
   
• Nipplegate - Ok, so Janet Jackson bared a tit on national television.  That one second flash was hardly worth all of the attention - and aftermath - that it's garnered.  The Americans who make decisions and decide FOR US what is acceptable or not are so uptight that it makes me sick.  Almost every other country in the world has nudity on television, why not here?  Because we (they, as in the aforementioned decision makers) adhere to age-old beliefs that nudity is bad and causes corruption.  As Americans we're supposed to be forward thinkers, but it's hard to think ahead when censors and self-proclaimed experts and do-gooders are like a boat anchor and stop progress in its tracks.
  
  It's Super Bowl Sunday (it's just another Sunday to me, because I can't stand football and don't give a rat's ass who's playing or who wins) and at the halftime show Janet and Justin (he's very far overrated, by the way) are doing their thing.  At the end he reaches over to grab her costume, gives it a pull, and *voila*, Janet Jackson's Tit is shown to millions of viewers all over the world.  As a heterosexual man who's always thought that Janet was sexy I was THRILLED to finally see one of Janet's unwrapped hooters - and at the same time disappointed that it was only one and only for a brief second.  Nonetheless there it was.
  
  It was after this that all hell broke loose the idiocy ran amuck and the Americans Who Make Decisions do what they do best - Overreact to seemingly innocuous things. 
   - First thing - E.R. decides to cut out a one-second breast shot in an upcoming episode, blaming it on the sensitivity of the American public at this point.  Fuckin' Pansies. 
   - The next thing - 5 second delays on a number of scheduled live television events.  I suppose that now that Janet has crossed a line that should have been crossed a long time ago they think that artists are going to run rampant with exposing body parts.  (Not that big a deal unless you're Rosie or Roseanne).
   - MTV moved it "racier" videos to late-night viewing.  Isn't this a little bit like closing the door after the horses get out?  MTV has never been known for its highly intelligent programming, but it was they who hosted the halftime show in the first place.  Perhaps this gesture was their bandage.  For instance, Britney Spears "Toxic" video is one of those that has been relegated to late-night viewing.  WHY?  There is absolutely nothing questionable or objectionable about this music video, and nothing that hasn't been in about 60% of all music videos since MTV (who, incidentally, isn't much about the Music any more) went on the air.  Scantily Clad Women are a staple of the music video.
   - Congressional hearings and an investigation?  What the HELL is there to investigate?  Janet Jackson exposed a well-adorned boob on television.  What a frickin' waste of time and money.  My take on the whole thing is this - Janet did it before Britney and Christina had a chance.  It's only a matter of time before either one of them takes their clothes off for a men's magazine - which, by the way, I intend to buy, because I like the site of naked women.
   
• Women and Make-Up - To be more specific, women who put on their make-up while driving to work.  Ladies and Gentlemen, there is seldom a more dangerous beast on the road.  Make-up should be applied before leaving the house or after you arrive at work.  I have no problem at all with make-up - in fact in some cases it's nothing short of a miracle what it can do for a woman's appearance.  HOWEVER it should be applied when it's frickin' safe!  Driving down the expressway at 75 miles-per-hour while trying to improve your appearance is NOT safe!  One of the most perilous beings on the planet is the Soccer Mom in her SUV, driving down the expressway like she's important or like her mission is more important than the other BILLIONS of people stuck on I-75 between Sashabaw and Joslyn roads.  Now we add another level of peril by applying Mary Kay or Avon or someone's avocado dip while trying to control a vehicle that weighs slightly less than a metric ton, all the while devoting only a fraction of the attention to the road that it deserves.  I would love to see what statistics have to say where this practice is concerned and laugh silently to myself.
   
• 's vs s - MAN have we regressed where the English language is concerned.  One the stupidest, morose, idiotic, foolish things you can do is put your lack of the English language on display in front of others.  It makes you look stupid.  To bring this point to light I direct you to the front door of Jumbo Video in Holly.  In the window is a sign advertising "$1.00 off of Video's and $2.00 off DVD's".  Apparently the person who wrote this went to school because they can spell, but skipped the day they covered punctuation and pluralization.  People, at no time do you pluralize something by using 's (apostrophe s).  It's just WRONG!  The 's is used to denote possession (Jim's website) or a contraction (Jim's going to the bar after after reading the sign on Jumbo Video's door.)  Yes, in the later case (Video's) the 's is correct because it's showing possession.  Why can't people learn this simple thing.  Please bear in mind that this is not the only place where you see this....oh, no....it's everywhere!  You can even see it in newspapers and in advertisements on television.  This, of course, goes along with my Text Etiquette page but seeing it so prominently displayed just....well...pisses me off.
   
• Political Correctness - in a word, cankissmyass.  Who are these people who decided that EVERYONE was in need of shelter from being offended?  WHY?  Just because someone may get their feelings hurt?  Got news for ya, man...words can never hurt you as much as a woman can.  SEE!  I probably offended a woman by writing that but did it to illustrate my point.  Words are intangible items.  You can't touch a word or claim ownership of a word.  You can touch the representation of a word, but words belong to everyone.  One shouldn't have to watch what one says at the risk of pissing someone off as long as they're making their point and not punching you in the face doing it.  The whole thing with the Pledge of Allegiance is one such example of some idiot thinking it would offend someone while kids have been saying it in school for decades.  Who the HELL are you going to offend by reciting the Pledge? 
  
  I recently heard a CHRISTMAS (see the next item below) song by the Bare Naked Ladies & Sarah McLachlan.  It was a medley comprising of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman" and "We Three Kings".  It was a very well done song and I'm a big fan of both artists.  HOWEVER...the line in "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" that goes "Remember Christ our savior was born on Christmas day" was re-written to say "Remember Christ our savior was born upon this day".  I don't know the reason for the change, whether it was for PC reasons or because of their religious convictions, but they changed it to take out the word "Christmas" which is to take away the meaning of the song and imply that maybe he wasn't born on Christmas day, but maybe some sunny afternoon in August.
   
• The Systematic Removal of the Word "Christmas" - MAN has this politically correct bullshit gone too far and it pisses me off (isn't that the reason for this page?) to no end.  If you noticed in the last few years the word "Holiday" replacing the word "Christmas"?  This is so inanely stupid that I'm sure some self-righteous dipshit like Jerry "The Ass" Falwell must have been the mastermind.  I think the PC crap is just that -- crap.  Are now so concerned about offending or not giving fair time to others that we're taking the meaning out of the holiday?  Let's make it more generic so that those who don't celebrate Christmas aren't put off by it.  They can kiss my ass.  Have we forgotten the the entire reason for Christmas it so celebrate the birthday of Jesus?  I'm sure that people who are more religious than I am notice it and they have a right to be bothered by it.  While I'm by no means a religious person, it really torques my jets to know that the self-appointed self-elevated individuals who think they need to be a watchgroup for the entire country have to homogenize this holiday.  Hell, you go to a store and cards are now found categorized as "Holiday Cards", you have more "Holiday Specials" than Christmas shows, and the highly-annoying, stupid, idiotic, useless jewelry store commercials you hear on the radio tout buying her (never him) a piece of cheap-ass jewelry that's been marked up at least 600%.  LIGHTEN UP you self-righteous bastards.  It's Christmas fer cryin' out loud!

• Idiot Drivers II - To carry on with the Idiot Drivers section of our show, I'd like to share with you three basic things that would cut down on accidents that happen on the expressway.  Unfortunately not many people have read this list or have this amount of common sense (see Obituary for more on that topic).  I spend a lot of time driving on I-75, US-23, I-96, I-275, I-696, and sometimes on I-94 in this area.  The amount of pure idiots sharing the road with me (anywhere from 2 to 5 lanes) is staggering, especially when you consider that at one point or another they took and passed a test to get/keep a driver's license.  Here, then, are 3 basic principals that would save a lot of time, accidents, money, and keep the friggin' traffic moving.
  1 - Stay In Your Frikkin' Lane.  Nothing is more irritating or dangerous that some jackass who constantly feels the other lane is better/faster/more direct.  Especially morons who drive across 2 or 3 lanes of traffic to get to an exit.  The road commission has put a lot of thought and spent a lot of money to place directional signs along the expressway so that you wouldn't have to drive 80 mph across 3 lanes of traffic so you can get off the expressway to get to McDonald's.
  2 - Learn How To Merge. - Seems people have forgotten how to enter the expressway.  It is the responsibility of the driver entering the expressway to fit into the existing traffic pattern without disrupting it.  ANY DAY I can take you out and show you that at least 50% of the drivers I encounter believe the flowing traffic is obligated to make room for them and drive blindly down the on-ramp, expecting a hole (apologies to Courtney Love) to open up and let them in.
  3 - Respect the space of other drivers. - Driving too close to others is just asking for trouble, yet ass-wipes who feel it necessary to drive so close behind you that you can't see their headlights think it's a way to get you to move.  That does not work for me, Ladies and Gentlemen, because I will become an obstinate driver and set the cruise.  You can either go around or get comfortable.  Also, flashing your headlights (unless you're law enforcement) to get me to move results in a reduction in speed.
  
  
• People with self-imposed dietary restrictions. - To be more precise, people with self-imposed not medically based dietary restrictions who believe it's up to the host of wherever they may be to cater to them.  I can see restaurants having "friendly food" (what an asinine, infantile phrase) items on their menu since even diet-imposed individuals DO need to eat.  What I'm speaking of is people who come over to a house and chastise the menu / host because they didn't prepare a meal to fit within their parameters.  If you're voluntarily limiting your intake of food, be it meats, sugars, whatever, and you're going to someone's house and you know they eat real food, you'd better come prepared to either be disappointed or to bring your own food and cook.  It is rude of people to expect, without making arrangements ahead of time, that the cook is going to cater to your self-imposed limitations.  It's your choice to limit your menu -- it's your responsibility to provide your own sustenance.  Limiting what you eat for reasons aside from medical or religious reasons is strange anyway.  Why?
  
  
• Idiot Drivers. - This will certainly grow into it's own section before long.  First on my list (and only because it happened to me today) is the asshole who deems it necessary to honk at me if I don't feel like turning right on a red light.  The law states that you MAY turn right on red after stop -- it does not say that you MUST turn right on red after stop.  As the driver in front of you, I have the option of turning right after I come to a complete (notice I didn't say "rolling") stop.  That does not obligate me in any way to actually exercise that right, and I do so at my own discretion.  I'm not above sitting there and not turning just to spite the idiot behind me who can't afford to wait 30 seconds for a light to turn green.
  
  
• Parents who complain about the television shows their children watch. - This is typical of some parents these days who leave the television to do what they should be doing.  Parents complain about shows like South Park and The Shield, both excellent shows, and that it offends or corrupts their tender youth.  Did ya ever think that if Mom and Dad exercised a little (*gasp*) Parental Control that their innocent offspring wouldn't be watching them?  There are a couple of highly effective tools that don't cost much that can put an end to a parent's pain:  The word "NO" and the OFF button.  The use of both of these tools does an amazing thing with children:  It give the parent the upper hand.
  
  Let's think about a few things in this regard:
  a)  The shows are on cable, which means that it's not broadcast television.  One of the advantages of cable is that it should allow a parent better control over what is viewed.
  b)  The shows are on at 10:00 at night - a time when most school children should be in bed.  If your kid is awake watching things they shouldn't it's the PARENT's fault, NOT the television network.
  c)  Both of the shows that I use as an example have disclaimers at the beginning of them.  A child, of course, will bust right through that barrier but, again, it is the PARENT who has the ultimate control over what children will watch.
  
  With that being said, if you're one of those parents who complain about the shows on television, SHUT THE HELL UP because it's because of your lack of control that kids are watching it anyway.  Parents, however, won't accept this and instead choose to blame the networks and the studios.
  
  
• People who chat while trying to talk on the phone. - There is no quicker way to end a phone call with me than for me to hear you typing in the background and have that distracted sound in your voice.  The entire chat thing has gotten out of hand anyway, but this is a point where it starts to intrude on REAL LIFE.  Chatting is half-duplex while a phone conversation is full-duplex.  If you're on the phone, DON'T try to continue the chat conversation because you're probably not that good at multi-tasking anyway.  Let the other person know you're on the phone and you can BRB.  If they don't like that you're on the phone, tough shit.  The person you're on the phone with is real-time and should have a larger percentage (read that ALL) of your attention.  I have one family member who is a prime example of this.  Often when on the phone you can hear the keyboard in the background.  The person who she's chatting with is obviously more important than I am because she's dedicating more attention to them than she is to my conversation, as evidence by repeated "What", short answers, or long pauses where nothing is going on but typing.  Funny thing, though...she once complained to me about a good friend of hers doing the exact same thing.    
  
  Let's show a little common courtesy and pay attention to the phone caller.  The other chat person can wait - how friggin' important can it be if you're only chatting?